Noctua
About
owlcore
As Charles Francis Adams Jr. fixed himself to the burgeoning railroad industry, and his sibling Henry Adams fixed himself to the free press, let me fix myself with one mind upon the industry of civil engineering and construction. This is where I will make my mark and my wealth.
Ah, my God, all my past ruin has arisen from a want of conformity to thy will. O God of my soul, I detest and curse a thousand times the days and moments in which I have, in order to do my own will, contradicted thy holy will. I now give my whole will to thee. Accept it, O my Lord, and bind it so firmly to thy love, that it may nevermore be able to rebel against thee. I love thee, O infinite Goodness, and through the love which I bear thee, I offer myself entirely to thee. Dispose of me and of all I possess as thou pleasest; I resign myself entirely to thy holy will. Preserve me from the misfortune of doing anything against thy holy will, and then treat me as thou wishest. Eternal Father, hear me for the love of Jesus Christ. My Jesus, hear me through the merits of thy passion. Most holy Mary, assist me; obtain for me the grace to fulfill the divine will, in the accomplishment of which my salvation entirely consists; obtain this grace for me, and I ask nothing more.
I'm listening to Dsco by Sweet Trip.
I ended up playing this game called metal garden because it appeared in my recommended when I was buying Mewgenics and it was cheap and on sale. It ended up being an amazing experience. I've been thinking more lately about doing things that are meaningful while alone. I've accepted that I'm going to spend much of my time alone. I understand that I've been rejected and exiled by society and by women. Of course there are feelings of rage and despair that accompany this, but it's also such a freeing realization. I'm free to do whatever I want; to think whatever I want. There are no duties or social pressures that force me to do anything. The only real pressures I feel are financial, and I'm lucky to be in such a good position with my career.
I've been trying to spend time playing video games alone. Not pining for that social component of playing video games with another person. Even that of playing games online with randoms, without as much as speaking to them on voice, just seeing their avatars. I've decided it's worth even avoiding watching streams while playing games. This is a particular vice of mine, because the friend simulator makes me feel less alone. I should enjoy doing activities alone, and I should accept that I will spend much of my time alone.
metal garden was a fulfilling experience for me precisely because it was such a lonely time. Your character is totally alone, and not in the lone protagonist way that you usually experience in video games. Your character is a lone cowboy in the vastness of some kind of superterrestrial megastructure. Between skirmishes with monotonous waves of enemies, your only companions are the grey and industrial sky and the rusted and spalled wastes of concrete and iron. This video game often evokes the same feelings you get from watching Ergo Proxy. In this kind of media, the environment feels like a character itself, like in the way dark woods takes on an imposing and threatening visage at night. Seven years later I find myself returning to the word sublime. The sublime environements of metal garden and Ergo Proxy, or even All Tomorrows, are imposing and terrifying. They make you feel alone in the vastness of space. And at this point in my life this kind of media is cathartic to me, because I feel tremendously alone.
Early today I wrote that...
I'm a sexually inferior man and bagging a woman above my league has me bloated with insecurities and fears.
I don't know if this is actually true or just the result of those insecurities. I detest weakness in myself. Weakness is like death. It's humiliating. Our fate is to die shitting ourselves. Every emasculation and humiliation is akin to emptying your bowels upon death. I think of Mishima and the smell of feces that gutting himself produced. Even something as beautiful as self-immolation--the blade ripping through skin--is tainted by the humiliation of being real and having a body.
I'm certain it's all fabricated by my psyche out of some disordered sentiment. There's still this streak of cuckoldry in my sexuality from years of consumption of pornography. Another humiliating weakness. Something that couldn't even be washed away by my own blood (but perhaps His). Fears of not measuring up to the men before. Twisted into a grotesque neurosis by disordered habits. A demon feeding on itself in my subconscious.
I'm effectively sexually inferior. Impotent. I've always felt that I've possessed this spirit.
I choose to live and love. Reaffirm life. Destroy weakness and ugliness. Impurities. I should revisit the mission statement I wrote for myself at seventeen.
'Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.'
So just as the lilies and tulips bless the earth with their beautiful flowers and scents, the flora of man bless the world with beautiful, creative thoughts and deeds.
These are the conditions that the next Hitler will emerge from.
This morning, I watched two officers pull a dead homeless man from the gutter on the side of the street.
White people are civilizational. We earnestly believe in polite society. We must police the actions of nonwhites and whites who believe they've outgrown or are better than the rules we've set for ourselves.
At the same time, we have to be willing to bend the rules ourselves to avoid being raped by the same nonwhites that smell our blood in the water. It's a paradox that only a white man would be able to appreciate and thus operate under.
What am I to do if I was born with a noble soul higher than my birth
I am like a fissure in the noosphere and people around me can feel that and get uncomfortable
I can't get the image out of my head of the deep purples of my guts spilled out over my lap
My malaise is like when Goebbels was in an enveloping depression because of the seeming futility of the party's efforts
There's a duality of my soul that I identified as far back as ten years old
The world denying and this eternal life affirming Catholicism, spiritual life through death of the body
The worldly life affirming noble virtues
All unhappiness and lack of contendedness comes from an incongruence between action and desire
Animus of the German statesman
The defining characteristic of the people he was born into was their defiance against a foreign ruling class. The reality of their culture, their language, and their racial identity denied--their absorption into a national conglomerate enforced through propaganda and law.
While the maimed heroes of their first rebellion against global decadence struggled to fill their stomachs, and the industry of their nation remained stifled, enormous resources flowed unrestricted into the maintenance of a distant foreign colonies--lining the pockets of the victorious alien leaders.
"To understand a man, understand the world as it was when he was twenty..."
-Napoleon
The people and the very dynasties that ruled almost a century ago continue to exact demanding cuts from the racial and cultural body we have had the blessing of being born into. Our heroes also returned maimed and scarred, but their sacrifice is hollow; they've sacrificed not for the race, but for the aliens that have grasped not the reigns, but have rotted the entire horse from within.
The fire that animated the orator of the last gentile uprising has to erupt in the guts of the racial body, and that cleansing fire has to purge the parasites that have burdened it.
This will be an act of fraternal love, the uncorrupted desire of welfare and justice for fellow man will inspire great acts of courage amongst us.
2002 - the hillbillies